Few naggins? Be grand.

His Mouldiness, Pope Benedict Arnold is quitting being Pope. When asked why he was going to be the first Pope to step down in almost six hundred years, he replied saying he “couldn’t be fucked with it anymore” and that he was hanging for the ride.

He’s pictured here with a naggin and the Papal Meanies, which he uses to taunt the poor and the starving.

Well known throughout his life as an unstoppable bastard and a notorious alcoholic, he worked his way up through the Hitler Youth and then the Nazi Party to become their Minister for Racism. When that went tits up in 1945, he moved onto religion. From there he promoted abstinence and praying and shit like that, but all the while he was injecting heroin into himself and others, most notably John Paul II, who died of an overdose in 2005, leaving the door open for Benedict to become Pope and de facto overlord of Ireland et al.

Nobody’s quite sure what he’s sort of evil he’s going to move onto next, although rumours abound that he’s working on a spell to bring Hitler back to life. He’s also being linked to a sweatshop condom factory somewhere in Asia, which critics say is a conflict of interest, at the very least.

Pat Kenny is 65 years young today, and he’s celebrating it by dressing up in trackies and drinking loads of dirty naggins on the streets to “get in touch with the common man on my special day

Here’s a picture of him shortly before he snorted a mixture of cocaine and dip dabs off the back of a horse. He then proceeded to ride it into the harbour. The horse was forced to swim in circles for twenty minutes before drowning, at which point Pat was rescued by the Coast Guard. He was confused and angry at the state of affairs, and injured two coast guards in the process, before stealing a yacht. He’s thought to be somewhere off the coast of England this evening.Anyone who has seen him is asked to contact the coast guard, or Marty Whelan, who has promised to attempt to coax him back to shore by offering him a big bag of cocaine and a feel of his moustache, which is said to have a great calming effect on Pat.

Pat Kenny is 65 years young today, and he’s celebrating it by dressing up in trackies and drinking loads of dirty naggins on the streets to “get in touch with the common man on my special day
Here’s a picture of him shortly before he snorted a mixture of cocaine and dip dabs off the back of a horse. He then proceeded to ride it into the harbour. The horse was forced to swim in circles for twenty minutes before drowning, at which point Pat was rescued by the Coast Guard. He was confused and angry at the state of affairs, and injured two coast guards in the process, before stealing a yacht. He’s thought to be somewhere off the coast of England this evening.

Anyone who has seen him is asked to contact the coast guard, or Marty Whelan, who has promised to attempt to coax him back to shore by offering him a big bag of cocaine and a feel of his moustache, which is said to have a great calming effect on Pat.

Barack ‘Saddam’ Hussein Obama bin Laden, or Buckfast Barry as he’s known to his friends, took some time out from the rigors of election campaigning today to take this promotional picture. With only days to go before people go vote for overlord of the world, Obama has been working hard to buy all the votes he can.

A black lad from a young age, he grew up on the streets of some shithole in America,

or possibly Kenya depending on who you believe, making a modest living selling partially used cigarettes to children. He used this money to buy dirty, dirty bottles of Buckfast from the old woman that he lived with. As such, he spent most of his teenage years buzzing from Buckfast, smashing bottles of it over the heads of the weak, the elderly and the disabled. He became known as Buckfast Barry the Bastard in his neighbourhood, striking fear into the hearts of those unable to defend themselves against his filthy bottling habit.

His life took a sharp turn for the better when at the age of 21 he was accepted into The Bucky Biys School of Law by collecting twelve Buckfast labels. He later remarked that he actually had a large collection of Buckfast labels in his bedroom for several years but he’d preferred spending the money on further Buckfast and sweet delicious crack rather than dishing out a dollar fifty for the envelope and stamp in order to avail of the law school offer.

These days however, he spends most of his time being Prez of the world, coercing people into having abortions and ordering the killings of people he considers assholes, all whilst drunk. Despite being President, he hasn’t forgotten his roots, and as such is offering a naggin, a partially melted Calippo, and 2 Lucky Strike cigarettes to all who vote for him next Tuesday.

His campaign slogan of “Vote for me you fuckers” has touched the hearts of many Americans who people in his blurry vision for The United States of America. G’wan Barry you mad cunt.

60s Television presenter, 70’s disc jockey, and life long paepophile Jimmy Savile
pictured here winning a race for who could fiddle the most kids over the most consecutive decades, apparently Gary Glitter came second and Michael Jackson ran a fine race, but had to drop out due to some tricky legal proceedings, and a nose job. Savile, rose to prominence due to looking like a textbook paedophile, an

d was immediately placed within reaching distance of children by those protestants at the BBC.
Despite his demanding day job, Savile was known to squeeze in the odd bit of necrophilia as a hobby in his spare time, has a penchant for taxidermy and also got a high score in Snake one time.
When he’s not grooming children, he has been applauded for his efforts at handing sweets to children on the street, has a handicap of 6 in crazy golf, and he also dabbles in synchronized swimming.
As well as being a connoisseur of the dead and the young, Savile was well known for his catchy catchphrases like “If I loved kids anymore, I’d be a paedophile” and the timeless, “I’m quite fond of consensual sex with minors “.

Upon winning the race, Savile was presented with a €50 voucher for Smyths, a 2 for 1 voucher for a Durex product of his choice, 2 tickets to Disney on Ice and a life time supply of Vaseline. Vaseline was then forced to cancel this arrangement due to the amount of Vaseline it had to provide.
He has also been awarded for services to Charity by both the Queen and the Catholic Church. Awkward enough.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Enda Kenny with a jumbo cigar in his mouth and a woman looking like a startled fish, holding two massive naggins.

Yes indeed folks, that lovely lady there is the Queen of the International Naggin Fund, Rita Repulsa, (also of Power Rangers fame back in the day but now sporting a new haircut and race), who was today showing off two massive naggins that are bei

ng donated to Ireland in order to stave off another Naggin Famine. Reports over the last few weeks say Irish citizens have been responding to the naggin shortage by spending all of their dole money stocking up on what few naggins remain, along with sweet, delicious crack cocaine to mix them with. As such, 57% of the population is now homeless, but sufficiently mangled. Ireland’s naggin situation has been dire over the last few months, as Enda Kenny has run out of all of Ireland’s money by spending it cheap hookers (it’s the quantity, not the quality he says) and hair transplants to keep his golden locks from blowing away.

Also in the picture is internationally renowned alcoholic and nagginologist Dr Martin Luther King (no relation to the other lad) who travelled to Brussels with Enda to sample the naggins in a ceremony that ended with Enda stabbing Dr King several times in the eyes and neck with his lit cigar in an argument over who got to have the end of the bottle. Enda’s hair also caught fire so there’s another hair transplant on the cards, meaning the Great Naggin Famine of 2012 could move well into 2013.

I’ve just received word that Pat “plastic bag of glue” Kenny is currently shimmying up the Spire wearing nothing but a holster containing two naggins and a cowboy hat. Marty Whelan is reportedly at the base of the spire shouting at people and throwing coins at passers by and shouting “Here’s your Winning Streak!” while Pat spits on them from above.

When asked how long the planned to stay in the area tormenting the general public, Marty said that their plan was to stay until the clubs open tonight, before taking a bag of ecstasy tablets out of his pocket and slapping a passing nun in the face with it.

Enda ‘Breast in a Bun’ Kenny pictured here at the launch of the Yes side for the
upcoming “Vote Yes or we’ll be back licking poteen off Marty Whelan’s backside-Treaty”. Taoiseach Kenny has been a strong proponent for the yes side with rumours abounding that he agreed to hold a referendum every week just for the laugh. K Dizzle as the public fondly know him, has visited every off licence in the cou

ntry throwing promotional EU naggins at tramps and giving blowjobs to undecided voters. As part of the treaty, the EU has agreed to allow Ireland complete access to the EU Vodka fund, with a few scoops of cocaine if we’re very good and don’t default from the Eurozone, but has also warned that we’ll be cut off from the continents supply of cheap drug-fuelled holidays in Palma Nova and Mallorca is we say no.

Kenny, the tricky bollocks, has also played up rumours that if we don’t vote yes, we’ll be back living in houses made from potatoes, drinking potato juice, and throwing potatoes at protestants and foreigners. Kenny’s German counterpart Angela “Face like a slapped arse’ Merkel has also been quoted as saying that she’ll beat the utter shit out of us all culminating in dressing Eamonn Gilmore up as a German milk maid and pelting him with copies of the Lisbon treaty.

We at Few Naggins would like to urge everyone to do the democratic thing and get mangled and forget to vote, because let’s be honest, I haven’t a fucking clue what the treaty is about, and sure we’ll get another few referendums out of this if we’re lucky.

This is a photograph of Michael Noonan and Enda Kenny gone for a shnakey super naggin in St Stephen’s Green yesterday evening. It started with of with drunken merriment, but Enda Kenny has since gone missing and Gardaí are seeking to trace him. When last seen he was wearing nothing at all and was sitting on Michael Noonan’s shoulders as Michael ran through Grafton Street spitting on people. He is

no longer on Michael’s shoulders and his family and Michael have become concerned for his welfare.

He is described as tall, drunk, extremely dry, and possibly has Meanies and cocaine stuck in his hair.

Anyone with information is asked to contact Leinster House Lost & Found officer Joan Burton at joan4nagginz69@gmail.com or your local Garda station.

P.S. The lack of pictures of late is due to my being tricked into drinking a bottle of varnish by a homeless man who assured me it was just very strong whiskey. I went blind for a month and a half and lost all motor function in my hands. I can now only see things in the colour blue and I have developed an irrational fear of staples. It was a confusing time and I will say no more about it.

Here is a picture of Ireland’s main man, Bertie ‘Bants and Booze’ Ahern, as he landed at government buildings in his massive helicopter to tender his resignation from Fianna Fáil. A shining example of a man with all of his dignity intact, he exited the helicopter holding two naggins, giving his trademark peace sign, and shouting repeatedly “I am not a crook” and “Few naggins, be grand” before proc

eeding to down them. He then took four more naggins out of holsters he had around his waist and also downed them, before falling out of the helicopter. He later told interviewers that the naggins were laced with LSD and by the time he was finished things ‘had gotten a bit too bright’.

Standing before him were his legions of followers, numbering in the tens of thousands according to one source*, who all took part in a ceremonial injection of heroin and burning of fifty euro notes, in order to highlight the fallen leader’s plight. Notable faces in the crowd included Marty ‘Winning Streak’ Whelan, Bono, Dustin the Turkey, Anne Doyle, and perhaps most surprisingly, our Taoiseach, Enda Kenny.

Subsequently most of the media coverage in today’s papers is not concerned with Bertie Ahern’s shock resignation, but more why Enda Kenny has been seen to support Bertie. Enda released a statement this morning saying that he was only in the crowd because he “heard from some of the lads in the canteen in Leinster house that there was free drugs up for grabs in the car park so I thought why the fuck not. I was unaware that said drugs were being used to promote Bertie Ahern’s political agenda but in my defense I was too mashed to understand what was actually happening and actually enjoyed myself out there.”

*The source in question was actually his brother Willie O’ Dea, who is said to be still quite fond of Bertie despite his apparent wrong doings, so he was probably making up the numbers.

Joesph “LOL JK” Kony pictured here as he conducts a training camp for the Under
14 Ugandan Soccer team/Death Squad whilst mashed on ketamine. JoKo, as his army of children fondly know him, sprang to fame recently after deciding to announce for the Ugandan Presidental Election under the slogan “Kony 2012: What Uganda do about it” despite his already successful career as a Hollywood actor having st

arred in such 80s films as Predator, and the smash hit Rocky III. His hobbies are said to include Child abduction, religious genocide and enjoys the occasional game of badminton. Often referred to as the Black Hitler this was stopped due to pressure from the Hitler family who said it was far too ironic.

Kony says his favourite food is pepperkony pizza, his favourite musican is Konye West, and surprisingly his favourite actor is Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg. He is an adamant opponent of the misuse of puns. He lists Stalin, Gaddafi and Tom Cruise amongst his influences, often describing the latter as “pure evil.” In his spare time he likes to torture babies, eat puppies, and practices ventriloquism, perhaps the most sinister pursuit of all time. Upon election he promises to subsidise the distribution of heroin to those under 9, will legally change vodka to a type of fruit, and intends to introduce Nagginology as a subject for the Uganadan Junior Cert. Our own Taoiseach Enda Kenny has been among the first to send his best wishes, a box of Taytos, and 20 box of John Player Blues. A class act really.